F2DR Presents: A Sit Down & Chat: An Interview With A Scientist

Tonight, we are breaking away from the usual stories on religious intolerance, crime, hair-do polls (because, we all realllllly care whether or not Brent turns himself into a child with his haircut), undertones of racism, misspellings of the word circa, and restaurant reviews that keep you coming back, again and again. In lieu of all that irrelevant shit, here is a made up interview with a goddamned scientist.



E. O. Wilson, (B.S., Univ. of Alabama, M.S. & Ph. D., Harvard) joins us to discuss things and share his views on the little terror-baby-turned-full-citizen S. invicta, the fucking imported fire ant.

J: Dr. Wilson, glad you could make it.
E. O.: Great to be here, I hate pigeons and zombies myself, you know.
J: LOL! Yes, its been quite the unmemorable summer.
E. O.: Maybe for you, I've been jamming to Cee-Lo's F**k You since Memorial Day.
J: Damn, all I've had is (500) Days of Weezy's Lollipop Dreams. But F**k You was released less than a week ago. How'd you get a hold of it nearly three months ago?
E. O.: When you work as closely with fire ants as I do, you really get to know all the necessary ways to articulate, "fuck you".
J: That makes great sense Ed and segues into the Science part of this interview nicely.
E. O.: I'm not called the Lord of Ants and the Father of Sociobiology for nothing.
J: I recently had a terrible experience with fire an...
E. O.: Let me interrupt you by saying that all experiences involving fire ants are terrible, albeit the ones that also include matches and a bottle of lighter fluid. I've been saying as much since 1951!
J: Well, this experience begins with me unknowingly standing on a bed of the little Brazilian bastards and by the time I first felt the initial sting, they had covered both of my legs, up to my knees and inside of my pants. Hundreds of the devils. I was shocked and awed by their numbers, by their hostility.
E. O.: Let me guess, you immediately ran away while kicking off your boots and pants?
J: Yes. Yes, that is exactly what happened. And now, more than 24 hours later, both of my legs are covered in pimple bites and are still numb. Itching and burning. And occasionally oozing.



Gross!
E. O.: Scientists who work in the field, from time to time, come across these tiny invaders. We are forced to take measures, which often involve having to strip off the affected clothes and run away. It happens.
J: Thank you Ed. It was great sitting down with you...for a second time. We first met back in 2004, at Young Harris College. You spoke about microbes in the soils or some jazz.
E. O.: Thank you. Always glad to chat with a fan. And be sure to let Blake know that scientists take off their pants in the woods all the time!

Well. That's that. Now you know a little more about fire ants, pants and scientists.