As some of you may or may not know, I’m into guns. Overly into guns. Borderline obsessed with guns. I like to shoot guns, clean guns, build guns, sell guns, trade guns, and buy guns. I visit 4-6 different gun websites daily. I have money allotted in my monthly budget for buying ammo. My girlfriend asked me the other day why I needed to own assault rifles, and without hesitation I immediately replied, “For shooting motherfuckers in the face if they try to rob me, or for when the zombies/storm troopers come.” Because you never know when an angry mob of 30 armed men might decide to conquer my 0.8 acres of land. I’ll be ready,will you? Or what if Umbrella Corp. does create the zombie potion in Resident Evil? I’ve seen Zombie Land, and I know I’m going to need more ammo. (Main reason I got a job).
Because of all this, the staff wanted me to write about guns. I have a bunch, they’re cool, they go bang when I pull the trigger. Big deal. What I want to talk to you about is much more important. What would you do if zombies did come? I can tell you what I’d do, and it’s pretty boring. I’d grab my zombie survival pack filled with clothes, first aid, dog food (yes my dog is coming with me), and most importantly rifle and pistol ammunition, strap on my Bushmaster ACR and I’d high tail it down I-16 to Little St. Simon’s Island. Why you ask? Because its a 10,000 acre wonderland with 5 star villas, a healthy herd of fallow deer, and more fish and ducks than I could ever manage to eat. But the best part of it all, it’s only accessible by boat, and the current is strong as hell. I’ve never seen a zombie that could swim, but even if they could, I doubt Michael Phelps could swim across that shit.
Which brings me to my next point, although off topic for now, stay with me. I recently came to the sad realization that I have horrible hair-falling-out genes, and my hair wasn’t getting any fuller. So I made second most embarrassing male purchase behind Viagra, I bought a can of Rogaine. Yes laugh all you want, but know I will remember who laughed at me when I have one spot left on my boat to the Island. This shit works. I’ve been using it for 3 weeks and already have a noticeable change for the better. Which brings me back to zombies. Rogaine instills life back into otherwise nonfunctioning-hairgrowing cells. Why couldn’t this work for Zombies? What if Rogaine was actually the anecdote in Resident Evil, and is now being dispersed secretly into society to protect us from ever becoming zombies? Fuck, my guns are now only half as useful! Whatever, the gun-grabbing storm trooper nazis are most likely coming sooner anyways.
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