Wednesday, July 28, 2010

No Take Backs: A Look Into Love, Lies, and the Law



1) Man meets woman at bar.
2) Man lies to woman.
3) Woman impressed, drunk.
4) Sex.

That's a bare-bones rundown of >90% of all bar hookups. Its a tried and true method for one-night stands and awkward Facebook friending. Those all-stars up there do it every night when they mention, "No, I don't have VD" or "Yes, I always wear a condom". When later she realizes that no, you don't drive a BMW 6 Series, aren't actually on that minor league baseball team, and she, in fact, does now carry a simplex virus there are few repercussions and certainly no legal actions to take. Well, consider the precedent met.
A Palestinian man has been convicted of rape after having consensual sex with a woman who had believed him to be a fellow Jew. ~ via Isreal

The article goes on to mention how the two did the deed in a building next to the club, that could be a slip-up of not mentioning that it was the chick's apartment or it could mean these two crazy opposite-sides-of-the-wall kids played just the tip in the bathroom of a 24-hour McDonanlds.


Just like that.

Now, no attempt will be made to dive into this region's socioeconomic-cultural-religious-getoffmyyard turmoils, but this flagrant abuse of a time-honored tradition among drunk horny men must not only be condemned by world leaders, actions should be taken to show Israel that even in times of crisis, everybody just wants to get their dick wet and under no circumstances should consensual dirty bar banging be turned into rape on account of a lie. No take backs!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Dream Theater


So, this is a new segment I want to try out...


While taking my morning shower today I went into a state of deep thought (not masturbation...at least this time it wasn't) and started to recall my dream that I had last night. I'm not sure about yall but my dreams are usually really jacked up and twisted. During the course of my dreams I usually jump from one scene to the next as I delve deeper into REM Sleep and further into my subconscious***


Part 1:


Last night I dreamt that my college roomate (Ty) and I were cattle ranchers. The dream began from a POV perspective as I saw Ty riding a horse and driving two wild horses he had just lassoed towards a stable... I am for some reason not on a horse nor do I question what I'm doing here... I flash forward and we are both satnding in western attire as I can view us from a third person perspective. We are approached by two other men riding on horseback out on the frontier. Apparently one of the men has killed Ty's dad. We draw swords and a battle breaks out. I end up stabbing and killing the man who killed Ty's father before Ty can get his proper revenge...The other man we are fighting is wounded and bleeding on the ground but he has drawn a firearm. He taunts Ty and the fact that he will never satiate his blood lust bc I have killed the man he has wanted dead for so many years... I flash forward again as I am hacking off the mans arm in order to separate him from his pistol. Ty then picks up the pistol and shoots the man dead...Cold, blooded gangster shit. I felt realy bad about it when I woke up


That completed Part 1 and I dropped down further into my subconcious


Part 2:


I am in the girls room that I am currently dating. We are having an ordinary conversation until she reveals to me that she has been addicted to porn for the past two years of her life and that she had just come to grips with this before she met me. She explained that her mom found out about her addiction and that is why she currently has blockers on her computer...I then wake up


Now I leave the power in your hands F2DR Nation: Translate my dreams. Top dream translator wins a shout out in the next post.


*** Sentence was inspired by the movie Inception and my knowledge from Psych 1101 at UGA


Full On Double Rainbow


It's starting to look like a triple rainbow...what does it meeeeaaaaannn???

Enjoy

Monday, July 26, 2010

Fresh4Morning: Here I am Rock Me Like a Hurricane


Sick Lyric of the day "I'm very sick, sicker than you, and when I play sick I'm like Jordan with the flu"- I don't care if you like rap music or not. If you ever get the chance to see Lil Wayne live in concert...Go!!! He puts on a hellevah show that is comparable to the best rock show you've ever been to.

This brings me to my second point/ramble of the morning. The last concert I attended was the Americas Most Wanted Tour last summer ft. Drake, Soulja Boy, Young Jeezy, and Lil Wayne. As I said, this concert was bad ass. Just for reference I've seen The Who, RHCP, Audioslave, Foo Fighters, etc. live and Lil Wayne quite possibly is the highest energy performer out of the list...Dave Grohl withstanding. This being said I have been patiently waiting for a concert/performer worthy of dishing out $40+ dollars for a ticket to see for the past year to come through the "A" but it just hasn't happened. If any of you out there in the F2DR Nation know of any bands/performers that are coming this way during the remainder of the hottest summer on record (according to me) then please, I beg you let me know. I'm suffering from serious "rock my fucking face off" live concert withdrawals. I'm easy to please...gimme a band with a face melting*** lead guitarist a la John Frusciante of RHCP or a rapper w/stupid awesome stage presence a la Lil Wayne (not easy to find).

All suggestions are welcome. I need my summer music fix and time is running out. First person to suggest the most bad ass show (link is to most hypothetic bad ass show) I'll buy your and mines tickets to the show...I'm feenin that bad...but that could be the loko withdrawls.

*** Face Melting: don't suggest a "crunchy grooves" gutarist and/or band. I like to rage when I rock. I don't "noodle" at concerts, I wild out/get buck





Thursday, July 22, 2010

SFW chick of the day

Not sure where the rest of the crew is, maybe they got jobs as jousters at medieval times. For the time being, enjoy the best video i have seen on the interweb so far today.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Why the Mets Suck: Not Good at Math


Ever wonder what happened to America's economy? Well ladies and not-so-gentlemen, the Mets have set forth a perfect example for us. Why pay someone $5.9 million, when you can put it off 11 years with interest and pay him $29 million instead. That makes perfect sense right Mets fans? What do you think was going through Bobby Bonilla's head when the Mets offered him this? I know what I would have thought, "Jesus Christ, these idiots are dumber than Anne Frank." Then my eyeballs would have turned into dollar signs like in cartoons. You know you've made an unsuccessful negotiation deal when you look across the table and the guy you're bartering with has $'s for eyeballs. For an almost average baseball player, Bonilla has done pretty well for himself here.

Fresh4Morning: Staff Gets Medieval


Mornin F4L'Rs. We're keepin it imperative and declarative today, that's just the way it is. Today the F2DR Staff will be traveling to a castle located off Sugerloaf Pkwy in Gwinnett for a tournament of champions (Medieval Times). The journey will be long and arduous but I have a feeling when the dust settles we will prevail.

What's Fresh today is that if you have failed to read Blake's post on Internet Subculture in full you are doing yourself and America a HUGE DISSERVICE. So go and read it in its entirety, you wont be disappointed.

Coming at you in the near future will be a post on how professional wrestling and the nWo in particular have shaped this years epic NBA offseason.

It's Just too sweeeeeeeeeeeet. Stay Fresh. Stay Loked. Off to get Medieval.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

F2DR Movie Review: The Client List (Lifetime Movie)




"And then the magazines trick women, the magazines start picking at your self esteem. Every page you turn to you start feeling fatter and uglier, and you feel like your clothes aren't good enough. And the magazines have you forgetting how beautiful you are. That's what happens... and then YOU forget how beautiful you are and we ALL suffer. If pussy was a stock...it would be plummeting right now because you flooded the market with it, you're giving it away too easy. I'm just being truthful. I'm just talking. It would plummet... You'd be watching the news, "today pussy plummeted again on the Nasdaq...gold is up 6%"." -Dave Chappelle, from Killin' Them Softly

This quote popped into my head as I was stewing over the conclusion of Lifetimes The Client List starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. The reason why I was one of only a hand full of males that made up the 3.9 million viewers of this cinematic travesty is not important (I watch Professional Wrestling on Monday nights and... last nights episode of WWE Raw was slow, and somewhere during the course of my channel surfing I stumbled upon this train wreck gem...so what, I judge myself). What I'm about to say is, so listen up! (ladies specifically)

Lifetime Movies Aren't Real!!!

They are in fact make believe. Sorry ladies but if you start sexing it up all over the place and your name is NOT Jennifer Love Hewitt we (guys) Won't take you back. This applies no matter what stage of the relationship we are in, if we are even remotely involved then your ass is grass. That's just the way it is. Us guys find it a lot easier to severe all ties completely if a slut demon cheats on us. For some reason though if you catch us cheating, more often than not you are willing to give us a second chance because of love??? I'm sorry but you cannot love my penis as well as Jims,Joes,J-Bones, and the checkout guy from Kroger...just aint happenin.

This is the kind of BS that Lifetime and Vampires/Werewolves put into females brains. At the end of The Client List Jennifer Love Hewitts husband takes her back and she becomes a hero to the women whose husbands she fornicated with by giving them "pointers"...yeah right. I'm sorry but if J-Love herself were to cheat on me with over 100 other dudes I would be inclined to get medieval on her ass by patronizing this website.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Japanese Men Having Manly issues?

I just stumbled upon this. Enjoy reading about how 40% of Japanese men sit to pee.

This reminds me of a man I met in Tuscany, Italy a few summers ago, who decided to give my friends and I a hilarious impromptu improv of how different cultures use the restroom.

Let me know if you can't see this for some reason.


Fresh4Morning




Good Morning anything-but-gentle men and ladies of the evening. After a long, and well deserved writer's vacation, I return to you with the fruits of my mental labor. Actually all I have for you this AM are a few links and my 2 sentence responses to them, so deal with it.

I start you off today with a quote from a great American writer, warrior, and heavy drinker.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
Ernest Hemingway

Well Ernest, what about hunting chupacabras? Hunting animals that look like they came from Resident Evil would most likely perk my interests no matter how many armed men I had hunted.


I promise I'll come up with more reasons why the Mets suck this week, but for now just be content with this.


Ever gone over to a friend's house to have a nice evening of Mario Kart and out of nowhere his almost-MILF mom brings out liquor and weed, and wants to bone you? What a drag.


Friday, July 16, 2010

A Much Simpler Time...


Flashback...The date is April 20, 2010

I wake up as if it were any other day. I wake up and make myself a cup of joe, turn on the TV and settle into my favorite chair to watch one and a half hours of live Sportscenter before I actually start my day. Outside birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the initials of my name are not tarnished by an inherently evil oil company..."BP"

Living life was much simpler before this past April 20th. Every now and again when I would meet a casual stranger and introduce myself as Brent P. they would say "OH Like the Gas Station" as they chuckled retardedly. However, since the spill has taken place much harsher reactions have come my way. Just the other day at work a lady told me her and initials were BP, I sighed and said "yeah unfortunately mine are too" , no longer than a second had passed when a complete stranger looked me in the eye and told me I was un-American. My stomach sank, my life and dreams were crushed....

To the man that told me I was un-American, Fuck You! I couldn't control what the company that shared my initials did. I wish things were different, I really do. Anyways...the well is capped, the Braves are in first place, and John Daly is playing bad ass golf. Let's put this oil thing in the past.

So next time you hear the initials "BP" think of how awesome F2DR is, or your favorite Brad Pitt movie. Just stop hating me.


Fresh4Morning: Back at Full Capacity

Goooooood morning Fresh4Lifers! Thank You all very much for sticking with us through all the changes that have been taking place recently. I wanted to let you all know that we have finally gotten a lot of our issues squared away and we are finally operating at full capacity once again for the first time in a few weeks. Expect posts to start coming hot and heavy starting today.

F2DR Today: Living w the Initials BP

What's Happening Right Now: John Daly is currently at 5 under par and 7 shots off the Open lead

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Yunel Escobar and Samson...The Power is in the Hair



For those of you unfamiliar with the teachings of the Bible Samson was a man of great strength. This strength was given to him by God as long as he never cut his hair. As the story goes Samson eventually fell in love with a demon hooker, she devil who cut his hair while he was sleeping and he lost his strength....fast forward to the 21st Century

The year is 2009 and the Atlanta Braves can't hit a lick. The lone bright-spot on the team is their young phenom Cuban shortstop Yunel Escobar (who has hair that glows brighter than the midday sun and whose patented frosted tips make him the Cubano King of Buckhead every Fri-Sat night) is hitting at a .375 clip with runners in scoring position and is the lone Brave to garner MVP Votes for the season.

The year is 2010. The Atlanta Braves go into the All-Star Break with a four game division lead over the second place New York Mets. Every spot in the line up is contributing except that of SS manned by the former golden tipped Escobar, the reason...the hair.

Today the Braves traded my former favorite player for Alex Gonzalez. I wish Yunel all the best north of the border (I bet he's so pissed and Bobby Cox is loving every second of it). If I were Yunel though I'd seriously consider re-frosting the tips though. It'll catch on in Canada.

He just looks happier with that goofy ass hair, as evidenced by the pics.

Hot Lead and Zombie Heads: F2DR Classic from Tumblr


As some of you may or may not know, I’m into guns. Overly into guns. Borderline obsessed with guns. I like to shoot guns, clean guns, build guns, sell guns, trade guns, and buy guns. I visit 4-6 different gun websites daily. I have money allotted in my monthly budget for buying ammo. My girlfriend asked me the other day why I needed to own assault rifles, and without hesitation I immediately replied, “For shooting motherfuckers in the face if they try to rob me, or for when the zombies/storm troopers come.” Because you never know when an angry mob of 30 armed men might decide to conquer my 0.8 acres of land. I’ll be ready,will you? Or what if Umbrella Corp. does create the zombie potion in Resident Evil? I’ve seen Zombie Land, and I know I’m going to need more ammo. (Main reason I got a job).

Because of all this, the staff wanted me to write about guns. I have a bunch, they’re cool, they go bang when I pull the trigger. Big deal. What I want to talk to you about is much more important. What would you do if zombies did come? I can tell you what I’d do, and it’s pretty boring. I’d grab my zombie survival pack filled with clothes, first aid, dog food (yes my dog is coming with me), and most importantly rifle and pistol ammunition, strap on my Bushmaster ACR and I’d high tail it down I-16 to Little St. Simon’s Island. Why you ask? Because its a 10,000 acre wonderland with 5 star villas, a healthy herd of fallow deer, and more fish and ducks than I could ever manage to eat. But the best part of it all, it’s only accessible by boat, and the current is strong as hell. I’ve never seen a zombie that could swim, but even if they could, I doubt Michael Phelps could swim across that shit.

Which brings me to my next point, although off topic for now, stay with me. I recently came to the sad realization that I have horrible hair-falling-out genes, and my hair wasn’t getting any fuller. So I made second most embarrassing male purchase behind Viagra, I bought a can of Rogaine. Yes laugh all you want, but know I will remember who laughed at me when I have one spot left on my boat to the Island. This shit works. I’ve been using it for 3 weeks and already have a noticeable change for the better. Which brings me back to zombies. Rogaine instills life back into otherwise nonfunctioning-hairgrowing cells. Why couldn’t this work for Zombies? What if Rogaine was actually the anecdote in Resident Evil, and is now being dispersed secretly into society to protect us from ever becoming zombies? Fuck, my guns are now only half as useful! Whatever, the gun-grabbing storm trooper nazis are most likely coming sooner anyways.


I bet you I'll call him a Chicken Fucker!

Courtesy of a report by FOX News The country (Pakistan) also is tops -- or has been No. 1 -- in searches for "sex," "camel sex," "rape video," "child sex video" and some other searches that can't be printed here. Link

There are somethings in this life that you just cannot unsee no matter how hard you may try to erase from your memory they are permanently imprinted on your brain. Every single one of us knows exactly where we were when we first saw Two Girls One Cup...this is the kind of thing that crazy Pakistanis choose to view on an every day basis. America, are we really going to let Pakistan beat us in crazy porn searches?

So F2DR Nation today when you sit down at that office computer or your personal laptop for those of us who are unemployed, get weird with thought and google some crazy shit. Let's take number #1 next year for per person searches for "kimono dragon sex". You know you want to.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sunday Salute: BAE Systems




Today we salute BAE Systems. If you are unfamiliar with BAE Systems they are a company that specializes in defense technologies for combat and are apparently so good at it that they can afford to mis-spell defense (they spell it defence) on the company website. Grammatical errors aside BAE Systems is bad-ass. According to a report published by BBC News, BAE Systems has developed a new liquid armor (video) that can stop bullets.

"It's very similar to custard in the sense that the molecules lock together when it's struck," explained Stewart Penny, business development manager in charge of materials development at the company.

After reading the report I had some questions for BAE Systems of my own. When I asked Stewart Penny to describe the process of how they came up with this new liquid technology in Lehman's Terms this is what he had to offer.

"The technology was mirrored after that of the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day"

To this we say kudos and keep up the good work BAE Systems. We fully expect to be invincible by 2012 to ward off the Mayan demons.




Friday, July 9, 2010

Fresh4Morning: King Douchebag


The decision of all decisions has been made. Lebron James has decided to suck Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh dicks simultaneously after they gang bang his mom Delonte West style for the next 5 years.

The self-proclaimed King has solidified his place in sports history as a media whore and a guy that admittedly couldn't handle putting a team on his back and carrying them to a championship. He bailed on the city that loved him more than they loved their own children and did it without warning. He can't see past himself and that is why he will never win a championship. Sure the Heat have three bonified superstars now, but last I checked the only other player on their active roster is Mario Chalmers....hahaha good luck with that. The Heat as currently constructed will be going into next season without a point guard (the most important position in the NBA), two guys that play the same game and have never played second fiddle to anyone before, and no bench to speak of. Maybe Pat Riley's big plan is to have some Haitians come over to fill out the rest of the roster so that he can help rebuild the island nation, if this is the case then kudos Pat. I personally believe rather that Gary Payton and Karl "the Mailman" Malone are going to come back for a third time to win their "guaranteed" championship. This whole spectacle has been a joke and a travesty to sports in general. Athletes across the board need to harden the fuck up and stop being such pre-madonna bitches...Lebron is bitch numero uno. Go suck a chode King Douchebag. The only NBA game I intend watching next year is Miami at Cleveland to watch Varejo bust Queen James jaw. All this being said Let's Go Hawks!

MJ>Kobe...Lebron is nowhere to be found

Thursday, July 8, 2010

F2DR Wayback Tumblr Machine: Ask Us Questions! Tell Us What You Want To Read About! Don’t Pee On Your Keyboard! Oh…and Hello.



We are taking the time to transfer some of our key pieces and allowing you the chance to make fun of us. First up is our introductory, we just started to get to know you and you got to know us. It seems like weeks since we presented ourselves onto tumblr; naive, naked, and unprepared. We didn't even know then that it was impossible for you to ask questions easily and publicly. Problem solved, now you can post rants and raves with just a push of the button.

We launched yesterday without much of an introduction. Summer had begun and we were stuck in an office, instead of doing normal summer activities, such as getting drunk next to a body of water or getting drunk and playing golf. So, we gave you, The Internet, a video thats pretty hot and a couple dumb and delicious musings, but not much else. Remember though, a blog is like a Jenga game, before shit gets real and dangerous, you gotta build up that tower of bricks. We’ve got some plans and directions to drive this thing into a product you’ll like, and a product I hope my parents never discover. If your not a tumblr user, then send us your questions to Fresh2DeathRecordsBlog@gmail.com, we will absolutely respond to you.

Fresh2DeathRecords is Now On Blogger!




We left tumblr after a few weeks of kicking ass because we are after comments and the servers over there gave us headaches, so now we are on blogger. We will be posting new stuff and revisiting some of our favorite pieces in order to give you a chance to anonymously tell us to go to hell. Check us out and follow us on your Reader! Get your daily dose of lulz!

Enjoy!